Monday, February 4, 2013

Bittersweet Victory

The Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl last night. Making so many of my friends and family members really really happy.

And I'm happy too. I cheered each touch down and interception, cringed when the 49ers fielded a comeback and was on the edge of my seat as the Ravens defense stopped the 49ers from scoring in the final seconds of the game.

But really, I knew they were going to win. Even when it looked pretty bad, I knew it.

Because of course, after making it to the playoffs for the past five years and the AFC Championship game for the second year in a row, this would be the year they'd win it all. The year when my dad wasn't here to see it.

I think this will always be hard for me. Whether they win it again next year or in 10 years or even 20 years, it's still going to make me think of my dad and really miss him.

But this year, just four months after he died. I am a wreck. A blubbering, sobbing, irrational wreck.

The tears started with the Divisional Championship game, when they beat Denver. I was watching the game at home and was so excited at the end of the game. It was quite a game too. Double overtime, a field goal kick to win it all. I was cheering their victory and then all of the sudden realized I was crying. While my head was in a happy, excited place, I knew those tears weren't happy ones.

I watched the AFC Championship game in Richmond with friends, so that kept me distracted enough to stop the tears. Until I got in the car to leave their house. And turned into a sobbing, irrational wreck.

Yesterday the tears came with each touchdown. And then with all of the news coverage afterwards, that or course, I couldn't turn away from. Today, they came at work when my coworkers commented on how excited I must be about the win, some acknowledging that the Skins are my favorite team but knowing the Ravens are my number two, others commenting on the win in relation to my dad. Either way, I cried.

I just keep coming back to the thought that it's not fair. That game last night was exactly the kind of game my dad would have been fired up about. An early lead from the Ravens would have made him happy, the comeback from the 49ers would have had him ranting that the Ravens were just trying to lose it. He may have even changed the channel at that point. But he would have turned it back, been pulled back in, and been so happy with the win.

I know so much about life isn't fair. And I know there are going to be so many other times in my life that I'm going to miss him SO very much.

But this one, I wasn't expecting it. It took me by surprise and continues to just completely overcome me. I think I've cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in months.

I hate that something that would have made my father so happy is bringing me so many tears.

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